Is it a Child? Is it an Adult? No it’s an Adolescent

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I have been working with Teenagers for over 35 years. I learned my trade initially by study, which gave me an outline and which then was filled in and enhanced by the years of working directly working with them. I still find adolescents the most invigorating, challenging and often perplexing anthropogenic species that I have encountered.

The following is about one area which perplexed me for some time.

I have seen families where everything seems to be fine. There is plenty of love and time for the children, there are rules and boundaries, the family do exciting things together but they still manage to encourage the children to have individual interests and plenty of their own time with friends. They even have regular meals sat around the table together.

As the children get older they face the normal range of difficulties often experienced in families with teenagers, such as them becoming less cooperative, moody, room is a mess, coming in late etc… The issues are coped with, family life is still reasonable and life continues in a positive if tiring vein. The teenager is doing more things with his or her friends and parents are becoming taxi drivers and have to keep retuning the car radio to the stations that they prefer. Parents deal with the wishes to change of hair style or colour, tattoos, body piercing and changes in clothing style, staying out later etc… The good resolution of conflict and disagreement is common. Life may not be as harmonious as it was but it is still reasonable, with the parents understanding that this is all part of the ‘growing up’ process.

Then, often quite suddenly, war breaks out. The reasonable teenager becomes totally uncooperative, discussions take place at shouting level, direction and even offering advice becomes a no go area. They stop telling where they are going, they come in late, they refuse to eat with the family, they seemingly challenge everything that the parents say, they cease to understand the word ‘no’. Parents feel that they are losing control and that their nice child has become a monster. However at the same time, they are amazed and confused when parents of their teenage friends praise them for their polite and likeable teenager and wish that their own child was like theirs. Moreover the school is not reporting any problems.

What is going on? Are the parents of their teenage friends just being pleasant to hide their horror of your own child? Does this monster of a teenager hate its parents so much that they are trying to cause as much pain as possible? Are they going mad? Are they on drugs? Do the parents have such poor parenting skills that they are causing the problems?

To understand what is may be contributing to situations like this we need to look at the different but natural and necessary processes going on in the backgrounds of both the parents and the adolescent. Good parenting enables the child to grow from a helpless baby to an independent adult who is able to take charge of his or her own destiny. The parents will have to the best of their ability and resources, loved, fed and nurtured, clothed and educated. They will also have endeavoured to protect their child from harm, and often there will be a very strong desire for their child to do well at everything. For most parents this is a natural process, which comes from their inherent genetic makeup which has been informed from their own upbringing and life experiences.

During adolescence the teenager will be experiencing many changes both physical and emotional. At times they will be growing faster than at any time in their lives; puberty will be arriving, causing a range of major physical and emotional changes. Most will be facing pressures to achieve at school and they are being pushed to make decisions that will affect their future. They will be facing pressure from peers to dress or behave in a particular way. The adult commercial world will be exerting its pressures to convince them that their cloths and products are ‘cool’ so every discerning teenager needs them and in fact there is something wrong with them if they don’t follow the fashions.

All of this is pointing the teenager towards adulthood; adolescence is the stage between being a child and becoming an adult. We know that in the UK adulthood starts at 18, but when does it really start? When are teenagers able to make informed and responsible decisions about what they do and how to conduct themselves? Understanding this may help parents to develop strategies to reduce the sort of conflict described earlier.

Unfortunately there is no one defining point when childhood ends and adulthood begins. For instance look at a 16 year old; because of the parents’ instinct to protect their offspring they will probably see them as a child. My own son is 35 and a very successful businessman, I still worry about some of the decisions that he makes. The 16 year old will see himself as an adult not needing anybody to monitor what he is doing, at that age my son felt himself able to make life decisions much more appropriately than his parents who were from a bygone age.

The truth is a 16 year old is neither child nor adult, more childlike in some areas more adult in others. So life is confusing and often made worst by conflicting responses from parents and other adults such as teachers. ‘Stop acting like a child’, ‘no you can’t stay out after ten. ‘Why don’t you grow up’, ‘no you can’t wear those cloths’. ‘Why don’t you take more responsibility for yourself’, ‘no you can’t spend your own money on a motorbike’.

The adolescent’s time clock is telling them that adulthood is near which produces yet another confusion. Their emotions are saying yes, I want to be part of this adult world but it feels much safer to stay where I am. When you add the pressures of adolescences to its physical and emotional turmoils you begin to see why some teenagers start to attack, rebel or retreat.

So parents, if you want to avoid total war with your teenage offspring remember that your ultimate task is guide them into adulthood by gradually reducing control and allowing them to learn from the mistakes that they will make, be there to help them pick up the pieces and move forward again. Support and encourage, try not to inhibit. Allow them to flounder and then help them back onto their feet. Override your need to protect them from all harm and allow them to grow through experience. They will still need clear boundaries, but have the courage to negotiate new ones with them. If they abuse these, have the courage to implement the penalties for such misdemeanours. You have the right to say NO but please give reasons for refusing the request. Remember that following rules is an essential skill that they will need throughout their lives.

Protecting your children is one of the most powerful emotions that parents experience, at times it is so powerful that unconsciously some parents try to slow the progress of their teenagers into adulthood as a way of delaying the ‘having to let go’. If teenagers are enabled to reach adulthood by enjoying their adolescence they will grow into more confident adults and probably end up having better relationships with their parents.

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Source by Peter Jackson

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